that’s what friends are for. right?

February 1, 2009 in the auditorium | 1 comment

Have you ever been in the situation where someone, or even yourself, has had the need to say:

“You’re too good a friend. I don’t want to ruin what we have.”

Or something to that effect? I hear it all the time, and it got me thinking as to why this might be. Could it possibly be my fault? Am I doing something that automatically puts me in the friend category, rather than the potential partner category? Having said that, is there even such a system? I mean, it isn’t unheard of that friends eventually become couples. However, it is undeniable that there are people in our lives who we just think are friend material – no more, no less. How does one decide on these boundaries? How do you know when someone just isn’t boyfriend or girlfriend substance for you? My theory – formulated through my own experience of the matter spiced with a dash of bitterness and a squeeze of cynicism – suggests that it all boils down to one thing: conversation.

Let me explain. When you first get to know someone, how much do you divulge in conversation? And how much conversation do you have with them? The answers to those questions, I think, is what decides the category in which that poor sucker falls. What I find is that when you start talking about yourself and your likes and dislikes, and your fears and whatnot (named self-disclosure in Psychology) you can often overstep the line. What line, I hear you cry. The line that seperates the “dates” from the “friends”. The more you get to know someone, the more friendly you become – that is assuming that you have any similarities with each other. And that’s bad friendly if you were wanting more than just friendship, because once you get to the friendly stage, that’s when the self-disclosure becomes mutual, and you become just another bag for them to spill their guts onto, if you get my jiff. Also, the amount of time you spend talking is integral to this process. The more time you talk, the more you spill. The more you spill, the closer to that line you get…until BAM! You’re in the friendship zone. Say buh-bye to any chance of getting with the guy/gal you had.

As I said earlier, I get this a lot. It’s just my disposition to talk to people loads and find out loads, so I’m just a friend-type person. I resented that fact before, but I’ve come to accept it. It’s not so bad having just loads of friends, I guess. As the saying goes: you can never have too many friends.

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  1. Ben on February 2, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Yeah, I hate this mysterious how-far-should-the-conversation-go line too. This article reminds me of the only piece of dating advice I ever learned from school, just a simple bit of human psychology: people like talking about themselves. And more importantly, people like people who let them talk about themselves.

    It also checks your box of not revealing much about yourself and keeping that air of mystery, however it does bring its own danger of highlighting your “good listener” skills, which may or may not be something you want to be known for.

    Obviously, as you know, I’m the exception to this rule. :-)